A few posts ago, I wrote about the legal victory for gay marriages in California. Some of the comments that were posted brought up some really good questions, which deserve their own post!

One girl commented, "it's horrible that gay people are treated badly... a lot of kids at my school say "that's so gay" and stuff like that, but i'm always afraid to say something. i feel bad about that, does anyone know how i can stand up to them?"

First off, thanks to her for asking how to stop the popularity of the phrase, "That's so gay!" We're each one among many people who simply don't use the phrase, and that's hugely important!

Beyond that, standing up to prejudice and even subtle insults is one of the hardest things to deal with ever. We all want to do the right thing, but sometimes standing up for someone can risk making your life miserable (or even--I sure hope not but it does happen sadly--put you in physical danger), and that certainly doesn't help anyone. On the other hand, speaking out can often put a stop to people verbally or mentally ganging up on each other, and can make you feel great about yourself. So how do you assess your role and the risks involved in different situations where someone's getting picked on? What do you say?

Another orb28 commenter says, "Once I was at a day camp and some kids were insulting gays. I said to them, "What's wrong with being gay?" A girl replied, "Do you even know what gay MEANS?" "Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with it," I said confidently." Probably her confidence alone put a stop to that conversation, which is awesome!!

But, if it seems like a bad idea to make a comment like that, that certainly doesn't mean you're shirking your responsibility or being a coward. Only you know how you feel in a certain moment and what's safe!

Here are some more suggestions from your ol' Adult Editor of what I say in situations like that, in case you might find it helpful:

When someone around me says the phrase, I usually say something like, "I think that phrase offends people. Do you mind using a different one to say what you mean?" Or, something snappy like, "I'm not sure what you mean...how could [whatever the thing in comment is eg. a party, a movie, etc.] have a sexual preference?"

Pointing out that "That's so gay" is a really vague sentiment might also encourage friends to try to say their opinions more accurately.

If someone calls someone gay as an insult, saying something direct can be hard but can stop a group from jumping on the bandwagon of insulting that person to stay "cool." You could say something like, "Julia's awesome because she's Julia and I'd still be friends with her even if she were a martian, so why does it matter if she's gay?" Of course, calling the shots on these things can be tough, and every situation is different so you might not agree with what I've suggested!

What else do you ladies say or do in situations like that? How else can we help to spread tolerance? Your advice is the best kind!